If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
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After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
mariah carrie
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”