Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”