Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.