Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
You Might Also Like
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I love art.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.