Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
You Might Also Like
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣