*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*