Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

Sharon, call the vet

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.