Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉