Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.