Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
Just this preview of the story is enough
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.