Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
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[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
SONOFA
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Good boy 😂😂
