Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

i want it utterly assaulted.

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

Ugh

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball