Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.