BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
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Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
i- i did not expect this
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.