Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.