Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

set yourself free xox

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

what the

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Worlds greatest photobomb

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

This will never not be funny to me.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid: