Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

*crawls into windowless creeper van*

One kidnapping, please.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

Just grow your own

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle