Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.