Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.