Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it