Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.