Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.