Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
her: I can鈥檛 believe you鈥檝e eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it鈥檚 not October 31 so it鈥檚 just candy
her: either way you鈥檙e not leaving the store until you鈥檝e paid for it
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN鈥橳 LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I鈥檓 sorry but I don鈥檛 feel good. I鈥檝e been throwing up.
5: Can鈥檛 you just throw up outside?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 馃槈
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
My 5yo鈥檚 Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn鈥檛 be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.