Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

[Entering a dark forest]

“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”

“Keening.”

“What?”

“Banshees keen.”

“You go first.”

“Dammit.”

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter