Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
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Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.