Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Swedish for common sense.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

best review i’ve ever seen

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*