btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
*limbos under the caution tape
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.