Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
These are too funny not to post 😂
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”