Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Yup.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
