Buck naked
You Might Also Like
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
True statement👍😏😁
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.