Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

Lmao the reply

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?