[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
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About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Pikachu found the lost joint
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”