Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

[trying to fall asleep]

SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us

*one hour later*

ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

let’s discuss

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe