Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

[shakes fist at other fist]

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere