Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

Human are so complicated

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

scared to check what name she chose

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows