[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

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hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials


Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”


My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck


I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display


[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute


Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.


[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”


Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off


Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate