hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
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Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-pushing my luck
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now
“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Parent -1 Kid-0
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate