Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!