Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

The old gods are rising again.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

Had an epiphany today.

Cheers Twitter.

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?