Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

ㅤ

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.