Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
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I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.