Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
You Might Also Like
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
at ease…shoulder.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths