Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
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Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…