Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move