Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
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This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites