Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.