Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Body by Oreos
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia