@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

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@RickAaron

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

@ArfMeasures

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

@abbycohenwl

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

@Home_Halfway

In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.

@Schmoodles

A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.

@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time

J: wtf around what time

@Darlainky

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

@karlainvt

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.