LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?
Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
In high school I was voted class clown after I gave people red balloons and dragged them into the sewer.
A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time
J: wtf around what time
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.