God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*pronounces patio like ratio
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Important
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble