Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

No, he would not have.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.