Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

finally

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Well, that didn’t work.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.