ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on