Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Spring cleaning checklist…