Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.