Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.