Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan