Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

plums roundup

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

I love texting my boyfriend

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’