BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
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Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
The internet is full of many things
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down