Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I wanna be friends with this person
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Finally a use for spoilers…
