Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry