Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
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Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Dishonest mechanic?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: