Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

guys I’m going home

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

scrabbled eggs

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15