Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Interior design 👌

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

i spent way too long on this

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

guys im starting to worry that 2025 is just five 2020s stacked in a trench coat

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.