Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

first you must answer his riddles

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation