Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.