Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

So Hamburger help me, God

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

i love modern commerce

If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*