Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

My wife has the worst taste in men.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze