Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax