Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

You deplete me

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19