Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo