Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
You learn something every day
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.